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Jun. 23rd, 2009 09:09 pmCrazy. Worried again that I'm not multiple at all, just delusional. Stressing out and depressed. Doesn't help that the person closest at hand is Nameless (as I've dubbed 'him'), who is... dark. Very dark. Suicidally masochistic, very submissive, very deeply hurt in some way. Doesn't really talk to us. Awesome painter, though. Zak's around sometimes, which makes it easier to deal with, but the body's in a lot of pain and the dysphoria's hitting him, so he doesn't really want to front. Everybody else has been kinda quiet except for just getting flickers of John's presence. I still feel awkward calling him that, even if it's his decision. He's still Luc to me. :|
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Jun. 16th, 2009 09:03 pmAnxious and on edge, stressing, ashamed. I feel like I'm falling apart. Some days I think I should just find a shrink and spill it all. I don't know if it's because of the others.. I don't know what will happen when I just let go. This scares me so much sometimes. I'm so alone. I just feel things pressing down on me, like building up to some kind of catharsis, but I just have to smile and pretend to be okay and try to get things done and try to live, but I fail at life. Haven't I proven that again and again? The little voice in the back of my head keeps saying "I want to go home." but I don't know where home is. I think I'm insane. I think all of this is just the delusional ramblings of a very sick young... person. I don't even deserve to be called a man. or a woman, for that matter. i hate myself so much. i don't know how to fix it.
Just call me the Cinders housewife. ^_~
Jun. 15th, 2009 10:50 pmCleaning. Lots of cleaning. Things seem to be looking up. Xan noticed that you can tell I'm around because my nose is constantly stuck in a book. I'm almost shy to admit what it is I'm reading, though. The truth is, I wanted to revisit the old Mercedes Lackey books from the Velgarth universe. Finished Arrows of the Queen, in the middle of Arrow's Flight. I identified with Talia a lot because of the empathy thing, though mine (the body's? Xan seems to have mostly locked it down, but Al still gets it, and so does Zak... though they were both empaths of sorts in their previous lives. Not sure about John or Kitsune.) isn't nearly as spectacular. Neither was Zak's, for that matter, though his was very clear and intense at short ranges. But feeling people from miles away? It'd drive someone insane, shields or not.
Threw out the old letters from the obsessive boyfriend. Xan had kept them. I didn't, and I was the one he'd been with. He was a codependent asshole who pretty much raped us, and tried to fit us into his fantasy world in a shape that really didn't fit... But I suppose he did do his part in making me what I am. And making Kai, probably. And contributing to the hurts that drove me underground for five years. But he's married, now, and happy. I'm not entirely sure he's changed much, but as long as she's cool with him, that's all the better, right? Here's to letting go of hard feelings, and letting go of the past.
I did pull out our collection of stuffed dinosaurs from when we were a tiny kid, though. Just seemed like the right thing to do.
Xan's been working on German again. Will have to see how learning another language works when we're being as switchy as we are lately. I used to study Japanese, but that never really went beyond a light conversational level, and we didn't keep up with it.
Threw out the old letters from the obsessive boyfriend. Xan had kept them. I didn't, and I was the one he'd been with. He was a codependent asshole who pretty much raped us, and tried to fit us into his fantasy world in a shape that really didn't fit... But I suppose he did do his part in making me what I am. And making Kai, probably. And contributing to the hurts that drove me underground for five years. But he's married, now, and happy. I'm not entirely sure he's changed much, but as long as she's cool with him, that's all the better, right? Here's to letting go of hard feelings, and letting go of the past.
I did pull out our collection of stuffed dinosaurs from when we were a tiny kid, though. Just seemed like the right thing to do.
Xan's been working on German again. Will have to see how learning another language works when we're being as switchy as we are lately. I used to study Japanese, but that never really went beyond a light conversational level, and we didn't keep up with it.
And now I destroy them all!
Jun. 13th, 2009 11:39 pmSo I guess I should do an update and introduce myself. Hi. I'm Ariel. Or Ace. Or whatever you want to call me. I guess I'm not much more particular about names than Xan is. I'm the girl he was too afraid to wake up because he thought I'd take over and delete him. I can't say for sure what's going to happen, but killing anyone isn't really on my list of things to do! ^_~
Um. I guess I don't really know what to write. I can remember things, mostly. I'm not really upset about anything. Not right now, at least. It's not like I'm so feminine that I'm freaking out about the whole trans thing. I sorta agreed to it, too, back then. Sorta. I don't really know. Anyway. I guess the really interesting thing will be figuring out how much my "brother" and I have in common and how much is different...
They're trying to make me feel as comfortable as possible, to the point of being kinda silly at times, and giving me my space. It's really sorta sweet. I guess I have my own little harem of queer bishounen (and John). What more could a girl want, right? XD Even if it would be sorta incestuous with Xan (or would it be masturbation? Speaking of which, that's something I should try, with the body how it is...), Al's gay, John's almost fatherly, and Zak... Okay, everybody just goes silent when it comes to Zak. Um? Good or bad thing? Kitsune's here, too, I think... Not really nearby, though. Proabably safer, just because I've had caffeine.
Well, nice to meet you. Hopefully I won't screw things up too bad by being 'awake' as it were. I think it'll take me a bit to get my bearings. And to figure everything out. It'll be so good to get to hug my parents again, and hug my kitty, and just do things. ^_^ Everything is okay again. That's what the consensus seems to be. Right now, everything is okay.
Side note. Digging through the icons we have, there's a lot of weird ones and some cool ones, but none are really *mine*. So I'm going to be Zorak for now. XD
Um. I guess I don't really know what to write. I can remember things, mostly. I'm not really upset about anything. Not right now, at least. It's not like I'm so feminine that I'm freaking out about the whole trans thing. I sorta agreed to it, too, back then. Sorta. I don't really know. Anyway. I guess the really interesting thing will be figuring out how much my "brother" and I have in common and how much is different...
They're trying to make me feel as comfortable as possible, to the point of being kinda silly at times, and giving me my space. It's really sorta sweet. I guess I have my own little harem of queer bishounen (and John). What more could a girl want, right? XD Even if it would be sorta incestuous with Xan (or would it be masturbation? Speaking of which, that's something I should try, with the body how it is...), Al's gay, John's almost fatherly, and Zak... Okay, everybody just goes silent when it comes to Zak. Um? Good or bad thing? Kitsune's here, too, I think... Not really nearby, though. Proabably safer, just because I've had caffeine.
Well, nice to meet you. Hopefully I won't screw things up too bad by being 'awake' as it were. I think it'll take me a bit to get my bearings. And to figure everything out. It'll be so good to get to hug my parents again, and hug my kitty, and just do things. ^_^ Everything is okay again. That's what the consensus seems to be. Right now, everything is okay.
Side note. Digging through the icons we have, there's a lot of weird ones and some cool ones, but none are really *mine*. So I'm going to be Zorak for now. XD
We've started a new system to keep track of things, discourage Xan's (and, well, all of our) procrastination and to reward those who will front and actually get things done. Thusfar, I am firmly in the lead. And as I'm relatively low-maintenance... *steeples fingers* Dance, my pretties. Dance for my favor! Bwahahahaha!
I expect that if this works beyond a day or two, there will be an explanatory post forthcoming.
I expect that if this works beyond a day or two, there will be an explanatory post forthcoming.
MY additions to the Cast List
Jun. 12th, 2009 01:39 amSo that other post doesn't really provide anything useful, does it? I mean, just names and stuff. So I'm going to add things we can all relate to to characterize the three bastards, Al and I! Heyy... That makes us a Five Man Band, doesn't it? But we've got two Lancers, no Big Guy, and The Chick's just the token gay man.* Oh well. On to the posty!
SOME CINDERS RESIDENTS AS DEFINED BY THEIR TROPES
by Kitsune!
Together, we're a Badass Crew comprised of a Ragtag Bunch of Misfits who also happen to be a Cast Full of Gay (Well, mostly bi. But Al's gay. And the body's transsexual, so that counts, too). It's actually pretty awesome if you think about this in terms of being a ship or something. I get to be Kaylee!
For individuals, let's start with Xan, since he likes to think of himself as the leader. He wants to be the Captain, but he's actually... well... Rimmer. Anyway. He's a bit of a Control Freak, but we can forgive him for being a Hurting Hero. Originally (and still, somewhat) a bit of a Blank Slate, he serves as Cinders' megalomaniacal Master Computer. He didn't gas us too severely, but he did remove our ability to eat cake. Screw you, Xan. Screw you.
Next, um... Al, since he doesn't get that much screentime. He comes from a race of Rubber Forehead Alien Space Elves. They're a Witch Species with (fuzzy) Pointy Ears, and by human standards, pretty much all the men, Al included, are Bishounen. He's also a Straight Gay Squishy Wizard who never got over the Mourning After when he lost his lifemate. To the point of it being a bit of a creepy obsession. He sometimes still gets the thought that his love might still be out there somewhere, reincarnated. Maybe even on Earth.
John is literally the trope-origin for the Trenchcoat Briagde who found himself here with little explanation. He showed up with Easy Amnesia (likely self-inflicted, he admits) and only fragments of his Dark And Troubled Past. He's a Deadpan Snarker Mean Brit with lingering Rage Against The Heavens and a tendency to try and Drown His Sorrows. It rarely works, but Xan worries we'll end up alcoholic anyway.
Then there's Zakai. Oh, Zak. He's way more Bishounen than even Al, and tops it off with being a Depraved Bisexual. An Empath with a Dark And Troubled Past that puts anyone else's to shame, he comes off as Affably Evil, but he's practically the definition of a Zen Survivor. In the past, and even now when the game requires it, he is a badass Chessmaster that swaggers confidently into the realm of being a Magnificent Bastard. Though he and John certainly both have their moments.
Last but not least, ME! Kitsune. That isn't really my true name, but I'm an Obake Fox, and it gives me extra mysteriousness, y'know? I'm a Cloudcuckoolander Genki Manic Pixie Dreamgirl. My thing for computers makes me a Playful Hacker, and the old 2600's aren't mine, really. >_>; Some people would imply that my hyperactivity and tendency to bounce from one thing to another are symptoms of Attention Deficit... Ooh! Shiny!
* Thinking about this further, if you kick Xan out and wake Taka up more, it fits decently well. John would probably be the Hero, Zak the Lancer, I'm the Smart One, usually, I guess. Al's The Chick, Taka... No! Jones! JONES IS THE BIG GUY! Also double-duty as the smart one. And the Battle-Butler. Except I'm not sure he's actually showed up here, just been a character who seemed to write himself. Anyway. um. Where was I going again?
SOME CINDERS RESIDENTS AS DEFINED BY THEIR TROPES
by Kitsune!
Together, we're a Badass Crew comprised of a Ragtag Bunch of Misfits who also happen to be a Cast Full of Gay (Well, mostly bi. But Al's gay. And the body's transsexual, so that counts, too). It's actually pretty awesome if you think about this in terms of being a ship or something. I get to be Kaylee!
For individuals, let's start with Xan, since he likes to think of himself as the leader. He wants to be the Captain, but he's actually... well... Rimmer. Anyway. He's a bit of a Control Freak, but we can forgive him for being a Hurting Hero. Originally (and still, somewhat) a bit of a Blank Slate, he serves as Cinders' megalomaniacal Master Computer. He didn't gas us too severely, but he did remove our ability to eat cake. Screw you, Xan. Screw you.
Next, um... Al, since he doesn't get that much screentime. He comes from a race of Rubber Forehead Alien Space Elves. They're a Witch Species with (fuzzy) Pointy Ears, and by human standards, pretty much all the men, Al included, are Bishounen. He's also a Straight Gay Squishy Wizard who never got over the Mourning After when he lost his lifemate. To the point of it being a bit of a creepy obsession. He sometimes still gets the thought that his love might still be out there somewhere, reincarnated. Maybe even on Earth.
John is literally the trope-origin for the Trenchcoat Briagde who found himself here with little explanation. He showed up with Easy Amnesia (likely self-inflicted, he admits) and only fragments of his Dark And Troubled Past. He's a Deadpan Snarker Mean Brit with lingering Rage Against The Heavens and a tendency to try and Drown His Sorrows. It rarely works, but Xan worries we'll end up alcoholic anyway.
Then there's Zakai. Oh, Zak. He's way more Bishounen than even Al, and tops it off with being a Depraved Bisexual. An Empath with a Dark And Troubled Past that puts anyone else's to shame, he comes off as Affably Evil, but he's practically the definition of a Zen Survivor. In the past, and even now when the game requires it, he is a badass Chessmaster that swaggers confidently into the realm of being a Magnificent Bastard. Though he and John certainly both have their moments.
Last but not least, ME! Kitsune. That isn't really my true name, but I'm an Obake Fox, and it gives me extra mysteriousness, y'know? I'm a Cloudcuckoolander Genki Manic Pixie Dreamgirl. My thing for computers makes me a Playful Hacker, and the old 2600's aren't mine, really. >_>; Some people would imply that my hyperactivity and tendency to bounce from one thing to another are symptoms of Attention Deficit... Ooh! Shiny!
* Thinking about this further, if you kick Xan out and wake Taka up more, it fits decently well. John would probably be the Hero, Zak the Lancer, I'm the Smart One, usually, I guess. Al's The Chick, Taka... No! Jones! JONES IS THE BIG GUY! Also double-duty as the smart one. And the Battle-Butler. Except I'm not sure he's actually showed up here, just been a character who seemed to write himself. Anyway. um. Where was I going again?
I have a dilemma. We have a dilemma, I suppose. Background:
The body was born female. I, personally, can't remember much of our childhood or adolescence, as I think I didn't exist as I am until around 2004. Before that, the system's main front (indeed, she considered herself the core of it) identified as female. A somewhat geeky, masculine female, but still female. Then came an upheaval of some kind. She, and I think others went into creating me, trying to integrate, I suppose. To make a concrete whole. It didn't work, but she went silent and I took her place. I, however, identified as male. There had been an outspoken male in the system before, who was very dysphoric (John) and another who wasn't (Al), both of whom showed themselves after a little while. In fact, with one exception, who identifies as a shapeshifter and is somewhat androgynous herself, we were all guys, and posing as female really wasn't doing it for us. Especially not for me, though I think maybe it might've been in part my subconscious urge to distance myself from the girl who had been there. So I came out to our biological family as trans. It didn't go well, and I got pretty depressed, because I had (and still have) so little identity that even just knowing my gender was a really important part of who I was.
We ended up moving away, and came to live with, interestingly enough, another multiple system in the process of transition, male-to-female instead. We started going by our chosen male name and dressing male, and we passed some of the time. I had a bit of therapy, though I got along badly with the therapist and never came out to her as multiple. (We've actually never told a therapist about being plural, maybe the old fear of being seen as unfunctionally crazy... which sometimes we are, I suppose, though not because of being more than one.) Anyway. Later on, when we were living someone else, I found myself functioning pretty much as a singlet, because almost everyone else was silent, and I became a bit of a control-freak, trying to keep others down and not come off as wierd to our current partner. I started regularly attending trans support groups, got a good job, found a trans-friendly therapist, and got my letter for T, which I started without a second thought. I was very comfortable in my identity. About a year ago, I got my name legally changed. Everything was great. Then my life went to hell. I got sick, lost my job, had a breakdown.. ended up moving back in with my parents in another state and having to seriously question my identity... which I found to be very hollow. I was created to survive and run the body on a daily basis, but I don't really even have dreams and goals of my own beyond that. In the end, I was saved by the people inside who I'd tried to ignore.
So we're putting ourselves back together. As an 'us'. Here's where there's a problem: in trying to get a census of who's still in here and being exposed to so much from our past, it's come to my attention that the girl who used to front here, and who claimed the body as hers, is still in here, though mostly 'asleep'. Except noticing her and thinking about her seems to be waking her up. I know it's probably wrong of me, but I'm trying to keep her under because I'm terrified that she's going to come out, hate what I've done with our life, take over and reformat me or something. I don't want all my suffering through these years to have been in vain... but what if she does want her body back? What if she wants to be female? What do I do? Was it wrong of me to start transition even though everyone was fine with it at the time and I didn't think she was still around? I'm paranoid, now, and worried that whatever I do, I've done something horribly wrong.
-Xan
(crossposed, apologies if you read this twice.)
The body was born female. I, personally, can't remember much of our childhood or adolescence, as I think I didn't exist as I am until around 2004. Before that, the system's main front (indeed, she considered herself the core of it) identified as female. A somewhat geeky, masculine female, but still female. Then came an upheaval of some kind. She, and I think others went into creating me, trying to integrate, I suppose. To make a concrete whole. It didn't work, but she went silent and I took her place. I, however, identified as male. There had been an outspoken male in the system before, who was very dysphoric (John) and another who wasn't (Al), both of whom showed themselves after a little while. In fact, with one exception, who identifies as a shapeshifter and is somewhat androgynous herself, we were all guys, and posing as female really wasn't doing it for us. Especially not for me, though I think maybe it might've been in part my subconscious urge to distance myself from the girl who had been there. So I came out to our biological family as trans. It didn't go well, and I got pretty depressed, because I had (and still have) so little identity that even just knowing my gender was a really important part of who I was.
We ended up moving away, and came to live with, interestingly enough, another multiple system in the process of transition, male-to-female instead. We started going by our chosen male name and dressing male, and we passed some of the time. I had a bit of therapy, though I got along badly with the therapist and never came out to her as multiple. (We've actually never told a therapist about being plural, maybe the old fear of being seen as unfunctionally crazy... which sometimes we are, I suppose, though not because of being more than one.) Anyway. Later on, when we were living someone else, I found myself functioning pretty much as a singlet, because almost everyone else was silent, and I became a bit of a control-freak, trying to keep others down and not come off as wierd to our current partner. I started regularly attending trans support groups, got a good job, found a trans-friendly therapist, and got my letter for T, which I started without a second thought. I was very comfortable in my identity. About a year ago, I got my name legally changed. Everything was great. Then my life went to hell. I got sick, lost my job, had a breakdown.. ended up moving back in with my parents in another state and having to seriously question my identity... which I found to be very hollow. I was created to survive and run the body on a daily basis, but I don't really even have dreams and goals of my own beyond that. In the end, I was saved by the people inside who I'd tried to ignore.
So we're putting ourselves back together. As an 'us'. Here's where there's a problem: in trying to get a census of who's still in here and being exposed to so much from our past, it's come to my attention that the girl who used to front here, and who claimed the body as hers, is still in here, though mostly 'asleep'. Except noticing her and thinking about her seems to be waking her up. I know it's probably wrong of me, but I'm trying to keep her under because I'm terrified that she's going to come out, hate what I've done with our life, take over and reformat me or something. I don't want all my suffering through these years to have been in vain... but what if she does want her body back? What if she wants to be female? What do I do? Was it wrong of me to start transition even though everyone was fine with it at the time and I didn't think she was still around? I'm paranoid, now, and worried that whatever I do, I've done something horribly wrong.
-Xan
(crossposed, apologies if you read this twice.)
Current Residents
Jun. 11th, 2009 08:52 pmCurrent as of 06/17/2009.
The Band of Bastards (main fronts)
Xan - Shapeshifter/Intelligent construct. Androgynous male. Seems innately linked to the system controlling the brain's memories, habits, and knowledge. Believes himself to have been created in an identity restructuring sometime in the spring of 2004. Has very little identity of his own, and flows and adapts to fit what the situation requires. Something of a control freak, he's also the face that most of the world has dealt with in the past. People fall in love with him very easily, though he's rather asexual, himself.
Zakai - Human. Male. Bishounen. Empathic. Remembers living and dying in a previous life where he both experienced and did Very Unpleasant Things. Currently one of the most stable and laid-back members of the House. Extrovert. Hits on anything that moves. Sense of humor so dark that black holes get lost in it.
John - Human. Male. Showed up with very fragmented memories of his past, later found an identity that seemed to fit, uncomfortable as it was for all of us. Officer in charge of Drinking, Smoking, and Foul Language. Has a hard time choosing a favorite sin--he's a fan of them all. Charismatic conman with deep issues that he's still trying to work through. Formerly referred to as "Luc" or "Grey".
Others
Ariel - Human? Female. Geek girl. Bookworm of epic proportions. Former front, still trying to figure out her current place in things. Slept for quite a few years and was actually sorta kept in stasis by Xan because he was afraid she'd freak out and destroy him. It... didn't happen. She's calm and optimistic, in stark contrast to Xan's pessimism and depression, but is often able to get through to him and help him realize that things aren't as bleak as they seem.
Kitsune - Kitsune. Female. Hyperactive technophilic Japanese fox-spirit. Caffeine addict. Linux nerd. Can be a lot more mature than she usually acts, but chooses not to be, thus annoying the hell out of everyone.
Alharakyun'jyee ("Al") - Alien cat-elf-thing (Terahai, in their own language). Male. Natural mage and healer, has difficulty communicating effectively in English/accessing the brain's skills and habits. Very lonely and displaced. Capable and wise, but feels aimless stranded here.
Nameless - Unknown species. Genderless (or gender-fluid?). Intensely sexual. Suicidally masochistic, it wants to be violated, broken, and debased. Its influence has been here a long, long time, and we don't really know where it came from. Strangely, though it barely speaks, when allowed to paint, it created a weird composition in brilliant jewel-tones, and represented itself with the image of a burning orange feather, singed at the edges and crumbling into the flame. Zakai recognizes the feelings, but claims he never surrendered as much as Nameless does. Whether Nameless is an actual person or just a fragmentary set of feelings and reactions is hard to say at this time.
MIA
Taka - Human. Male. Samurai from late 18th century Japan. Almost never fronts, doesn't use modern technology.
Liz - Female unseelie sidhe.
Kai - Female anthropomorphic personification, seems tied to Ariel. Al's nemesis. Reminds us a bit of Zak...
The Band of Bastards (main fronts)
Xan - Shapeshifter/Intelligent construct. Androgynous male. Seems innately linked to the system controlling the brain's memories, habits, and knowledge. Believes himself to have been created in an identity restructuring sometime in the spring of 2004. Has very little identity of his own, and flows and adapts to fit what the situation requires. Something of a control freak, he's also the face that most of the world has dealt with in the past. People fall in love with him very easily, though he's rather asexual, himself.
Zakai - Human. Male. Bishounen. Empathic. Remembers living and dying in a previous life where he both experienced and did Very Unpleasant Things. Currently one of the most stable and laid-back members of the House. Extrovert. Hits on anything that moves. Sense of humor so dark that black holes get lost in it.
John - Human. Male. Showed up with very fragmented memories of his past, later found an identity that seemed to fit, uncomfortable as it was for all of us. Officer in charge of Drinking, Smoking, and Foul Language. Has a hard time choosing a favorite sin--he's a fan of them all. Charismatic conman with deep issues that he's still trying to work through. Formerly referred to as "Luc" or "Grey".
Others
Ariel - Human? Female. Geek girl. Bookworm of epic proportions. Former front, still trying to figure out her current place in things. Slept for quite a few years and was actually sorta kept in stasis by Xan because he was afraid she'd freak out and destroy him. It... didn't happen. She's calm and optimistic, in stark contrast to Xan's pessimism and depression, but is often able to get through to him and help him realize that things aren't as bleak as they seem.
Kitsune - Kitsune. Female. Hyperactive technophilic Japanese fox-spirit. Caffeine addict. Linux nerd. Can be a lot more mature than she usually acts, but chooses not to be, thus annoying the hell out of everyone.
Alharakyun'jyee ("Al") - Alien cat-elf-thing (Terahai, in their own language). Male. Natural mage and healer, has difficulty communicating effectively in English/accessing the brain's skills and habits. Very lonely and displaced. Capable and wise, but feels aimless stranded here.
Nameless - Unknown species. Genderless (or gender-fluid?). Intensely sexual. Suicidally masochistic, it wants to be violated, broken, and debased. Its influence has been here a long, long time, and we don't really know where it came from. Strangely, though it barely speaks, when allowed to paint, it created a weird composition in brilliant jewel-tones, and represented itself with the image of a burning orange feather, singed at the edges and crumbling into the flame. Zakai recognizes the feelings, but claims he never surrendered as much as Nameless does. Whether Nameless is an actual person or just a fragmentary set of feelings and reactions is hard to say at this time.
MIA
Taka - Human. Male. Samurai from late 18th century Japan. Almost never fronts, doesn't use modern technology.
Liz - Female unseelie sidhe.
Kai - Female anthropomorphic personification, seems tied to Ariel. Al's nemesis. Reminds us a bit of Zak...
