cindershouse: (Xan - Shadow)
Crazy. Worried again that I'm not multiple at all, just delusional. Stressing out and depressed. Doesn't help that the person closest at hand is Nameless (as I've dubbed 'him'), who is... dark. Very dark. Suicidally masochistic, very submissive, very deeply hurt in some way. Doesn't really talk to us. Awesome painter, though. Zak's around sometimes, which makes it easier to deal with, but the body's in a lot of pain and the dysphoria's hitting him, so he doesn't really want to front. Everybody else has been kinda quiet except for just getting flickers of John's presence. I still feel awkward calling him that, even if it's his decision. He's still Luc to me. :|
cindershouse: (Xan - Shadow)
Anxious and on edge, stressing, ashamed. I feel like I'm falling apart. Some days I think I should just find a shrink and spill it all. I don't know if it's because of the others.. I don't know what will happen when I just let go. This scares me so much sometimes. I'm so alone. I just feel things pressing down on me, like building up to some kind of catharsis, but I just have to smile and pretend to be okay and try to get things done and try to live, but I fail at life. Haven't I proven that again and again? The little voice in the back of my head keeps saying "I want to go home." but I don't know where home is. I think I'm insane. I think all of this is just the delusional ramblings of a very sick young... person. I don't even deserve to be called a man. or a woman, for that matter. i hate myself so much. i don't know how to fix it.


House of Cinders

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