cindershouse: (Xan - Shadow)
Crazy. Worried again that I'm not multiple at all, just delusional. Stressing out and depressed. Doesn't help that the person closest at hand is Nameless (as I've dubbed 'him'), who is... dark. Very dark. Suicidally masochistic, very submissive, very deeply hurt in some way. Doesn't really talk to us. Awesome painter, though. Zak's around sometimes, which makes it easier to deal with, but the body's in a lot of pain and the dysphoria's hitting him, so he doesn't really want to front. Everybody else has been kinda quiet except for just getting flickers of John's presence. I still feel awkward calling him that, even if it's his decision. He's still Luc to me. :|
cindershouse: (Xan - Shadow)
Anxious and on edge, stressing, ashamed. I feel like I'm falling apart. Some days I think I should just find a shrink and spill it all. I don't know if it's because of the others.. I don't know what will happen when I just let go. This scares me so much sometimes. I'm so alone. I just feel things pressing down on me, like building up to some kind of catharsis, but I just have to smile and pretend to be okay and try to get things done and try to live, but I fail at life. Haven't I proven that again and again? The little voice in the back of my head keeps saying "I want to go home." but I don't know where home is. I think I'm insane. I think all of this is just the delusional ramblings of a very sick young... person. I don't even deserve to be called a man. or a woman, for that matter. i hate myself so much. i don't know how to fix it.
cindershouse: (Xan - Shadow)
I have a dilemma. We have a dilemma, I suppose. Background:

The body was born female. I, personally, can't remember much of our childhood or adolescence, as I think I didn't exist as I am until around 2004. Before that, the system's main front (indeed, she considered herself the core of it) identified as female. A somewhat geeky, masculine female, but still female. Then came an upheaval of some kind. She, and I think others went into creating me, trying to integrate, I suppose. To make a concrete whole. It didn't work, but she went silent and I took her place. I, however, identified as male. There had been an outspoken male in the system before, who was very dysphoric (John) and another who wasn't (Al), both of whom showed themselves after a little while. In fact, with one exception, who identifies as a shapeshifter and is somewhat androgynous herself, we were all guys, and posing as female really wasn't doing it for us. Especially not for me, though I think maybe it might've been in part my subconscious urge to distance myself from the girl who had been there. So I came out to our biological family as trans. It didn't go well, and I got pretty depressed, because I had (and still have) so little identity that even just knowing my gender was a really important part of who I was.

We ended up moving away, and came to live with, interestingly enough, another multiple system in the process of transition, male-to-female instead. We started going by our chosen male name and dressing male, and we passed some of the time. I had a bit of therapy, though I got along badly with the therapist and never came out to her as multiple. (We've actually never told a therapist about being plural, maybe the old fear of being seen as unfunctionally crazy... which sometimes we are, I suppose, though not because of being more than one.) Anyway. Later on, when we were living someone else, I found myself functioning pretty much as a singlet, because almost everyone else was silent, and I became a bit of a control-freak, trying to keep others down and not come off as wierd to our current partner. I started regularly attending trans support groups, got a good job, found a trans-friendly therapist, and got my letter for T, which I started without a second thought. I was very comfortable in my identity. About a year ago, I got my name legally changed. Everything was great. Then my life went to hell. I got sick, lost my job, had a breakdown.. ended up moving back in with my parents in another state and having to seriously question my identity... which I found to be very hollow. I was created to survive and run the body on a daily basis, but I don't really even have dreams and goals of my own beyond that. In the end, I was saved by the people inside who I'd tried to ignore.

So we're putting ourselves back together. As an 'us'. Here's where there's a problem: in trying to get a census of who's still in here and being exposed to so much from our past, it's come to my attention that the girl who used to front here, and who claimed the body as hers, is still in here, though mostly 'asleep'. Except noticing her and thinking about her seems to be waking her up. I know it's probably wrong of me, but I'm trying to keep her under because I'm terrified that she's going to come out, hate what I've done with our life, take over and reformat me or something. I don't want all my suffering through these years to have been in vain... but what if she does want her body back? What if she wants to be female? What do I do? Was it wrong of me to start transition even though everyone was fine with it at the time and I didn't think she was still around? I'm paranoid, now, and worried that whatever I do, I've done something horribly wrong.


-Xan

(crossposed, apologies if you read this twice.)
cindershouse: Several masks and an eye peering out. (Default)
Current as of 06/17/2009.

The Band of Bastards (main fronts)

Xan - Shapeshifter/Intelligent construct. Androgynous male. Seems innately linked to the system controlling the brain's memories, habits, and knowledge. Believes himself to have been created in an identity restructuring sometime in the spring of 2004. Has very little identity of his own, and flows and adapts to fit what the situation requires. Something of a control freak, he's also the face that most of the world has dealt with in the past. People fall in love with him very easily, though he's rather asexual, himself.

Zakai - Human. Male. Bishounen. Empathic. Remembers living and dying in a previous life where he both experienced and did Very Unpleasant Things. Currently one of the most stable and laid-back members of the House. Extrovert. Hits on anything that moves. Sense of humor so dark that black holes get lost in it.

John - Human. Male. Showed up with very fragmented memories of his past, later found an identity that seemed to fit, uncomfortable as it was for all of us. Officer in charge of Drinking, Smoking, and Foul Language. Has a hard time choosing a favorite sin--he's a fan of them all. Charismatic conman with deep issues that he's still trying to work through. Formerly referred to as "Luc" or "Grey".

Others

Ariel - Human? Female. Geek girl. Bookworm of epic proportions. Former front, still trying to figure out her current place in things. Slept for quite a few years and was actually sorta kept in stasis by Xan because he was afraid she'd freak out and destroy him. It... didn't happen. She's calm and optimistic, in stark contrast to Xan's pessimism and depression, but is often able to get through to him and help him realize that things aren't as bleak as they seem.

Kitsune - Kitsune. Female. Hyperactive technophilic Japanese fox-spirit. Caffeine addict. Linux nerd. Can be a lot more mature than she usually acts, but chooses not to be, thus annoying the hell out of everyone.

Alharakyun'jyee ("Al") - Alien cat-elf-thing (Terahai, in their own language). Male. Natural mage and healer, has difficulty communicating effectively in English/accessing the brain's skills and habits. Very lonely and displaced. Capable and wise, but feels aimless stranded here.

Nameless - Unknown species. Genderless (or gender-fluid?). Intensely sexual. Suicidally masochistic, it wants to be violated, broken, and debased. Its influence has been here a long, long time, and we don't really know where it came from. Strangely, though it barely speaks, when allowed to paint, it created a weird composition in brilliant jewel-tones, and represented itself with the image of a burning orange feather, singed at the edges and crumbling into the flame. Zakai recognizes the feelings, but claims he never surrendered as much as Nameless does. Whether Nameless is an actual person or just a fragmentary set of feelings and reactions is hard to say at this time.

MIA

Taka - Human. Male. Samurai from late 18th century Japan. Almost never fronts, doesn't use modern technology.
Liz - Female unseelie sidhe.
Kai - Female anthropomorphic personification, seems tied to Ariel. Al's nemesis. Reminds us a bit of Zak...

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