cindershouse: (Xan - Shadow)
[personal profile] cindershouse
I have a dilemma. We have a dilemma, I suppose. Background:

The body was born female. I, personally, can't remember much of our childhood or adolescence, as I think I didn't exist as I am until around 2004. Before that, the system's main front (indeed, she considered herself the core of it) identified as female. A somewhat geeky, masculine female, but still female. Then came an upheaval of some kind. She, and I think others went into creating me, trying to integrate, I suppose. To make a concrete whole. It didn't work, but she went silent and I took her place. I, however, identified as male. There had been an outspoken male in the system before, who was very dysphoric (John) and another who wasn't (Al), both of whom showed themselves after a little while. In fact, with one exception, who identifies as a shapeshifter and is somewhat androgynous herself, we were all guys, and posing as female really wasn't doing it for us. Especially not for me, though I think maybe it might've been in part my subconscious urge to distance myself from the girl who had been there. So I came out to our biological family as trans. It didn't go well, and I got pretty depressed, because I had (and still have) so little identity that even just knowing my gender was a really important part of who I was.

We ended up moving away, and came to live with, interestingly enough, another multiple system in the process of transition, male-to-female instead. We started going by our chosen male name and dressing male, and we passed some of the time. I had a bit of therapy, though I got along badly with the therapist and never came out to her as multiple. (We've actually never told a therapist about being plural, maybe the old fear of being seen as unfunctionally crazy... which sometimes we are, I suppose, though not because of being more than one.) Anyway. Later on, when we were living someone else, I found myself functioning pretty much as a singlet, because almost everyone else was silent, and I became a bit of a control-freak, trying to keep others down and not come off as wierd to our current partner. I started regularly attending trans support groups, got a good job, found a trans-friendly therapist, and got my letter for T, which I started without a second thought. I was very comfortable in my identity. About a year ago, I got my name legally changed. Everything was great. Then my life went to hell. I got sick, lost my job, had a breakdown.. ended up moving back in with my parents in another state and having to seriously question my identity... which I found to be very hollow. I was created to survive and run the body on a daily basis, but I don't really even have dreams and goals of my own beyond that. In the end, I was saved by the people inside who I'd tried to ignore.

So we're putting ourselves back together. As an 'us'. Here's where there's a problem: in trying to get a census of who's still in here and being exposed to so much from our past, it's come to my attention that the girl who used to front here, and who claimed the body as hers, is still in here, though mostly 'asleep'. Except noticing her and thinking about her seems to be waking her up. I know it's probably wrong of me, but I'm trying to keep her under because I'm terrified that she's going to come out, hate what I've done with our life, take over and reformat me or something. I don't want all my suffering through these years to have been in vain... but what if she does want her body back? What if she wants to be female? What do I do? Was it wrong of me to start transition even though everyone was fine with it at the time and I didn't think she was still around? I'm paranoid, now, and worried that whatever I do, I've done something horribly wrong.


-Xan

(crossposed, apologies if you read this twice.)
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